Bow Bridge, Fall and New Beginnings

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 Central Park’s Bow Bridge symbolizes so many things to me. It reminds me of my late husband, Chuck’s, love for Central Park and how he used it’s vast natural resources to teach children science and marine biology, as well as give my son and his nephews many adventures there. They would climb hills, charging through the landscape, while exploring the high points and low points of this rich,lush, beautiful, free park. Central Park is the 5th largest park in New York City, and it is set on 843 acres of land.

At a certain point in the park, about 80th St, one can glimpse the towers of the majestic Beresford, a luxury prewar coop located on New York’s Upper West Side’s Central Park West. These towers remind me of the spires of another iconic building, the El Dorado. Seeing these towers prompt me to recall my father’s advice that whenever I got turned around in the Park going from Eastside to the Westside I should look for the towers of the El Dorado and they would always lead me home.

My Six Favorite Buildings on Central Park West - iLovetheUpperWestSide.com
The Beresford

The Bow Bridge, with its interlocking circle design on the bannisters has an even more specific meaning for me. It conjures up a memory of a lovely time at an art festival in a town far away from New York. It was five years after my husband’s death and I was beginning to live my life more fully while taking a leap of faith. As I perused the art along the streets, I was surprised to see so many artistic paintings of the Bow Bridge. I felt moved and proud of the many inspired interpretations of that beautiful bridge. Each one that I saw made me think,”My bridge”, in my little New York mind.

I truly believe everything happens in it’s own time when we’re ready ……the soul knows. This was the time that I emerged from the gray frost of winter into the crisp brilliant colors of fall. The risk to travel far from home, unearthed the key to my destiny and opened a new door for me. During that period, five years since my husband’s death, I began to write words that spilled onto each and every page from the depths of my soul.

I was no longer a bud and and little did I know, a blooming flower was about to emerge. Change and taking risks is what living is all about. Amidst all that life puts us through we are expected to have lessons, learn lessons and grow. Without learning the lessons, we will continue to have more lessons. However, if we don’t learn what we’re being taught, each new lesson will become more difficult, until we “get it”, on and on until our days are done.

Bud Bloom Blossom Photograph by Mike Reid

We cannot grow if we run in place, holding onto hurts, regrets, anger, jealousies and guilt. Running in place only digs one a hole until we become buried beneath our life’s “stuff”. Closing ourselves off is not playing it safe, putting up a protective shield, does not lead to growth and will not protect us from the emotional scarring that can come with living life. It only stunts our evolution, as we live with our myopic thoughts, barren and isolated, barricading ourselves behind walls of our own making.

Fall has always been a special time for me. As a former educator, that first September breeze, always made me feel that it was an opportunity to start over, to renew, to begin again. It was, indeed a new year, not unlike January 1st, which ushers in the New Year for all, this new year was a mid-year refresh. New lessons would be taught and learned, with end of year growth, hopefully. Then on to new horizons, newer lessons, chapters opened and closed, new journeys. Life is like crossing a bridge, some bridges not as beautifully embellished as the Bow Bridge, some tarnished and stained with mud, some rickety, some fragile, some painful underfoot. But by being present, letting go of the past, taking risks, each crossing will get easier and the burden lighter. These are the memories conjured up in my mind’s eye when I think of the Bow Bridge. This is a bridge that has withstood the weathering of time, and it reminds me of myself, as it and we continue onto our journey’s end…….toward always unfolding New Beginnings.

What landmark in your town reminds you of what you have endured since having lost your spouse?

The Past is the Past No Regrets

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I don’t know exactly when I stopped regretting past decisions in my life, but one day I decided that whatever my present life was, I would be grateful for each moment and look forward to the future. When it comes to one’s future, we’re usually blindfolded. It is an unknown, that we cannot see so why worry about an outcome that has so many possibilities, but people do. I watch people regret their pasts, believing if they’d  just married so-and-so or majored in such and such or moved away after college their lives would surely have been different ( different the code word for better or amazing). What people tend to forget is that you are always bringing yourself wherever you go. So no matter how much  brighter or how much more  wonderful we think our lives could have been, the fact is that if one had married so-and-so it doesn’t necessarily mean that our lives would have been better. People just imagine that life could’ve been much greater than one’s present situation, especially if the present has hit a lull, and so they live with regret. For example, if Nancy had married Dan instead of Dan having married Susan then maybe, one falsely believes ,Nancy’s life would’ve been like Susan and Dan’s wonderful life together, but life doesn’t work that way. For one thing we’re all different, and any of the many combinations of two people are not always going to have the exact same result. This is because we all have our own unique personalities, and we bring our various baggage and energy wherever we go. All of these variables impact the circumstances and outcomes of interpersonal  human relationships. The same goes for career choices, where we live, having children or not. Ultimately, we create and change our own circumstances. Then as we live our lives and go through the highs and lows, particularly the lows we begin to fantasize about the what ifs. After all, fantasy is far better than reality, far easier than fixing one’s present situation.

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Life is like riding a wave and after we’ve had several years of living out in the world under our belts there are going to be times when we feel dissatisfied, or even unfulfilled. Often this is when many  bring out the bag of regrets. We begin to falsely believe that had we just made a different choice our lives would be so much better or further along or blah,blah,blah. Guess what, we can never know in advance how the path we’ve chosen is going to unfold, but we always imagine the choices we forfeited or just didn’t make as being better. However, it’s just possible that the choices we did make saved us from a truly disastrous life,but alas we will never know. Sadly, many people end up with one foot in the life they have and the other foot in the life they want.

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The night before my husband died, I’d  had a very exhausting day. Chuck was very restless that evening and I promised him that we would get to the hospital in the morning, but I just needed to get some sleep. I wanted him to try to sleep but he was not feeling himself, in pain, and having very unusual sensations. For example he said he felt,” as if he was being pulled from out of the top of his head .” I thought he had a headache, but later I would come to know, that he was actually getting ready to pass on. I held his hand that night and woke up briefly in the morning, and then, with what seemed like a veil over my eyes, I fell off back to sleep only to awake and find that he was gone. I cannot tell you how full of regret I was about the things that took place that night before. I wished I had remained awake with him to watch him, I wished I’d understood what he was trying to tell me, but he didn’t really know and I didn’t really know what he was describing. I reassured him that  in the morning we would get to the hospital and they would be able to explain everything. For the longest time after Chuck’s death, I would feel guilty and full of regret over how our last night together was spent. So part of my initial grief was tinged with guilt and remorse, and I held onto those feelings for a very long long time. I told very few people and of course the very  few I did tell reassured me that Chuck was in a better place, it was his time and I should not add guilt to my sorrow.

Months later, I had a dream and in it my husband was letting me know that he loved me, that I had done nothing wrong and that I should let it go. After that I realized that I was only hurting myself more by thinking of how the evening would have been different had I been awake to save him. I also understood it was not meant to be, and that it was his time to go. In addition, I realized that I was not suppose to be a witness to his death and so events played out the way they were meant to. It was a while before I came to terms with all of these feelings and emotions about that last night. I know now it wasn’t going to go any differently, the outcome would’ve been the same, Chuck would’ve died and I would’ve still grieved sorely.That dream gave me permission to live in the present instead of compounding my grief with feelings of remorse. It wouldn’t have done me any good to have continued to replay that last evening, over and over again and probably would’ve added  a layer of guilt to my anguish and heartache.Whether Chuck really came to me in that dream, or whether the dream was conjured up from my subconscious, either way the message was clear that I should let it go.

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None of us will get an opportunity to relive our lives, and when I see folks repeatedly lamenting how their lives could have been better, richer, fuller, had they made different choices, I cringe and feel for them. One can never know how life would’ve been different had one, to paraphrase James Taylor, “ gone home another way.” It’s easier to run in place while looking in the rear view mirror of our minds. We must give ourselves permission to let go of our past and the choices we did or didn’t make. Rather than holding onto these ideas, pulling them out every now and then, dusting them off and mourning these perceived losses, we must learn to let them go. Remember, these are just ideas and experiences that no longer exist and lamenting them regularly can interfere with the lives we’re presently living. The tighter we hold onto them the more we miss out on being in the present, and the more we miss out on being in the present the more we miss out on our real lives.No matter how tough life gets, we always have a choice and we want to avoid those choices that imprison us. In fact,what people create by living in the past are stumbling blocks, obstacles, blockages that prevent them from saying,” Hey I want more out of this life and I am going to grab onto the brass ring.” Who knows, we might actually decide to make changes in our present lives that will enrich the here and now and, change our future.

When you grieve, should there be any regrets that you have about your lost loved ones, broken promises, things undone, words unsaid, let it go. If you imagine those you have lost as being in a place of all love and all-knowing, then understand that they are in your corner and want you to continue to live with vitality and enthusiasm. Those who are dead do not hold you responsible for anything, period. Experiment with being present and you’ll find that eventually, when you begin to move past the pain and sorrow, you will experience a life filled with possibilities minus the regrets.Life is not over ’til it’s over, but for some it’s over everyday that they live.Take this challenge, change one thing and begin to have the life you want, as the past is done and the present is all we have…..so be brave, step in with two feet and live your life with no regrets.

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To read more about my grief journey and how you can  navigate yours read Brave in a New World: A Guide to Grieving the Loss of a Spouse, available on Amazon.com http://tinyurl.com/jnjs5fu

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